Review: ‘The Dark Tower’ flimsily stands atop solid foundation

Hollywood has been looking to Stephen King for adaptable source material for decades now. Some projects have become classic works of cinema, such as The Shawshank Redemption or The Shining. Others have been cast aside and forgotten like many of the restless spirits in King’s works.

Despite widely varying results, there is an obvious hunger for seeing King’s nightmarish imagination play out on the silver screen. Still, many have opted out of adapting The Dark Tower series, which is largely considered King’s magnum opus.


Fast forward to 2017. Not only do we have a live-action retelling of Stephen King’s iconic novel, but it features two of the biggest stars on the planet in Idris Elba and Matthew McConaughey. And while the collision of so much talent may seem like the cosmic workings of a greater power (a turtle, perhaps?), I’m afraid this iteration of The Dark Tower is doomed to the limbo of forgotten Stephen King movies.

That isn’t to say The Dark Tower is an outright mess. It isn’t. It’s actually pretty fun throughout thanks to occasional flashes of inspired world building and a strong outing by Elba as the heralded gunslinger, the last in a long line of badass cowboys who guard The Dark Tower from forces that would do it harm.


Matthew McConaughey’s Man in Black is one of those forces. He’s a powerful sorcerer who causes people to stop breathing or hate their own mother (no, really) by simply waving his hand. However, the Man in Black does more damage to the actual movie he’s in than anything.

Whereas the gunslinger seeks revenge for the death of those closest to him, no such motivation is given to the Man in Black. He wants to raise The Dark Tower and destroy the universe because he’s evil and that’s the type of thing evil characters in these types of stories do. It comes off as if no attention was spared to his development. Not even the Academy Award winning  McConaughey sparks any excitement from the one note writing. He delivers each eye-rolling line with spectacular boredom.


But the Man in Black is only one convention inside an overly conventional film. Oozing from the mind of Stephen King, The Dark Tower movie should at least feel like a singular experience. Nobody tells the types of stories he tells and his creative influences are felt even during the most lackluster of his adaptations.

I knew where this movie was headed the moment Jake Chambers (Tom Taylor) had his doodling pad ripped from his hands by the school bully, right down to the laughable final showdown. And I was right. You don’t have to possess any Shine to be able to predict each next step in this fantastical journey.

Grade: C+

What did you all think about The Dark Tower? Did you have fun with it? And what did you think about Matthew McConaughey in this role? Let us know in the comments section below!


Port of Dorks Podcast Ep. 16: The Dark Tower & Atomic Blonde

The Port of Dorks Podcast is back! In episode 16, the dorks discuss the roller coaster movie that is The Dark Tower and the new Charlize Theron spy thriller Atomic Blonde!

What do ya’ll think about these films? Did you like or dislike one more than the other? And who is more brooding: Charlize or Idris? Let us know in the comments below!

King Arthur: The Legend of the Sword (2017)– Video Review

Another year, another King Arthur movie. BUT WAIT. Could Guy Ritchie have made the King Arthur film for the ages? Find out with our video review of King Arthur: The Legend of the Sword here!

Don’t forget to hit up the comments below and leave us your thoughts on the film! What did you all think?

‘Guardians of the Galaxy 2’ has FIVE post-credit scenes


Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 screened for the press last night at its Hollywood premiere. The film is still under embargo so we won’t be receiving any actual reviews until closer to its May 5th release. However, critics have been blowing up social media with mostly positive feedback.

But good word of mouth isn’t the only thing coming out of the premiere. James Gunn confirmed on Twitter that the theatrical release of ‘Guardians 2’ will indeed feature five post-credit scenes.  So make sure to stick around after the movie to catch ’em all!

Below is a picture I snapped off my phone of James Gunn’s tweet:


*Movie Minutes would like to extend their sincerest apologies to all movie theater ushers. We thank you for your patience and endurance in all that you do.

Wow! What do you think of Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 featuring not one, not three, but FIVE post-credit stingers? Is that overkill? Does that excite you even more? Sound off in the comments below and let us know!